Counselling & taking the plunge

Beginning a course of counselling can feel like a big step, a bit like jumping into the deep end, and not being sure you know how to swim.

​In this article I am going to look at how to make this more a case of lowering yourself in gently rather than making a big splash.

Do you even need counselling?

If you are reading this article, then in all likelihood you have already decided, but what if you're not sure? How do you know counselling is what you need?

Counselling is a way of helping people gain a better understanding of themselves. Saying something out loud to someone who is listening attentively creates a clarity which can be missing when those same thoughts and feelings are whirling around in your head. 

Some common reasons people choose to come to counselling,

• Not coping Usually when people say they are not coping they mean that they are feeling overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, or sadness, and this is stopping them getting on with day to day life. 

 

• Stuckness Not knowing how to make things better, is an uncomfortable feeling to have. The feeling of stuckness is a powerful reminder you need to try something different.

 

• Nothing's worked Most people will try to sort out a problem themselves, and when this doesn't work, they decide to see somebody. 

 

• Dissatisfaction Being stuck in a rut and unable to work out how to get out of it.

Choosing a counsellor

You have decided you want to see someone and have found a listing of counsellors on the internet. Now you are faced with 50 odd counsellors, and are feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choice you have. 

How to choose?

​While this may seem counter-intuitive, people make better decisions when they use as few cues as possible. The human mind just isn't very good at weighing up lots of different pieces of information.

To start with the best thing to go on when choosing is usually the profile photo

It turns out that first impressions can be surprisingly accurate, particularly when it comes to trustworthiness and whether we will like the person. 

Make a shortlist of 3 and at most 4 counsellors you like. I like to print out the bio's because then I can compare them side by side. Then ask youself these 3 questions.

• Are they professional? They should have at least a diploma level qualification. They should also have a membership of a counselling body. Read what they have written. Do they sound professional in how they present themselves?

 

• Can they help with your problem? Counsellors' experience varies, and you will want someone who has expertise in your problem. Check they cover what you want to talk about. If they have written any articles, check that what they write chimes with your own experience. For some areas, such as couples counselling, psychosexual issues, personality disorders, it is better to start your search by looking for a therapist who specialises in your area.

 

• Would you feel comfortable talking to them? While you usually only have text to go on, you can still use this as a guide. After reading about them, ask yourself how would you feel seeing them?

If the answer to any of these questions is a no, then you should reject them, and choose someone else. 

Many people can take quite a bit of time over this step. It is not unusual for people to go through several cycles of checking and re-checking. It can take some people several weeks to make up their minds about seeing someone. There is nothing wrong with this, you are making an important decision.

Booking that first appointment

So you are over the first hurdle, and have found someone you would like to talk to. The next hurdle is making an appointment.

Picking up the phone and talking to a stranger about your personal problems, is easy right? 

The reality is that this can be the hardest part of getting some help. It is absolutely OK  and very natural to be nervous when you first speak to a counsellor, and it is something which I make allowances for. 

Some tips,

• Set a time Choose a time to ring when you have privacy, and allow around 15 minutes. Setting a time can give you a deadline which can be helpful in getting you over the hurdle of picking up the phone. Prepare a short message in case you get the ansaphone. You only need to leave your name, phone number, and a time when you are free to talk. 
  

• Use notes Write out reminders of what you would like to say, and any questions you would like to ask. Having something written down can help you stay focussed during the conversation.

• Breathe If you are feeling very anxious, you can use a simple breathing technique which can help. Take a slow breath in, and then... slowly blow out all your breath... before breathing in again. 

You may prefer instead to make first contact by email, which can feel more manageable than talking to someone in person. It also allows you to feel less pressured in making a decision. 

It has the disadvantage that getting round to booking an appointment can often take around 2 to 3 emails, meaning if you are anxious you have to deal with feeling nervous 2 to 3 times instead of just once on the phone. 

Email is also a delayed form of communication. So what happens if you take a while to answer? For many people delaying responding, often ends up as not responding at all.  

I am one of those people who tend to put things off, especially if I find them difficult in some way. What I find helpful is to leave myself out a reminder where I will regularly see it, such as a post-it on my screen. Just having it there, even if I am not directly looking at it, is usually sufficient for me to get round to doing whatever it is I am avoiding.  

Going to your first appointment

The day has arrived when you are going to your intial appointment, and it is perfectly normal to feel anxious.

You may have worrying thoughts about what your first session will be like. I prefer to look at these worries as telling you what you want from your counsellor. So, if you are worried that,

• "She will think I'm stupid, inadequate," is really saying you don't want to feel judged. 

 

• "My problem is too small, I'm wasting his time," means you want someone who takes your problem seriously.

 

• "My problem is too big," is really you looking for someone who won't be overwhelmed by what you want to talk about.

 

• "I won't know, what to say, and I'll just clam up," is about finding someone who you will feel comfortable tallking to. 

These kinds of worries can serve as a guide to how your first session went. Did you feel judged? Did you feel taken seriously? Were you reassured? Did you find you could talk?

The hardest part of the first session is walking up to the door, and waiting for it to open. By comparison, getting started talking is easier, and once you begin, the time will seem to fly by.

At the end of the session you will look at how it went and how you would like to continue. 

And to finish a little look at after-care...

​When you leave it is quite common to have a sense of elation, or feeling of relief. This feeling of elation or relief following the discharge of strong emotions is known as catharsis. 

It can be helpful to allow yourself some time after the session to return to normal, especially if you are driving. You might consider going for a coffee, doing some shopping, or talking to a friend or relative. 

The other thing to bear in mind is that the feeling of elation will subside, and you may also have a period a few days later where you feel lower than usual for a while. This is all part of the process of therapy, and I like to see it as an invitation to take care of yourself. 

main photo by Unsplash

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